I needed stability.
-Breathing only when appealed.
Not holding on in a caving facility.
Self-sufficient, never needing a shield.
I forgot feelings could get the best of me,
Forgot everything always ends in a bruised knee.

But who am I to know what I need?
Especially after the life I lead?
While all that could just be a shallow pit,
I’d much rather worsen it.

Masochism, some find fear in this.
I just think of it as something to miss.
-Especially my boy,
-Throwing a fit because I’m in this state.
He just doesn’t understand my sharpened toy.
Wondering how I reached this fate.

I’m trying for him,
-Only reaching for a blade upon last whim.
It used to be how I remembered to stay thin,
Now I just use it when I know I can’t win.

I always watch him turn white,
Still, I must keep this fight.